Tonight I had a random conversation with an old friend about life and letting go of our pride and looking at our situations in a different light. Coming from a place of grateful and happy instead of feeling failure and depressed. His story is a work in progress but his family endured and continue to endure hardship but it was for that reason he found himself and lives a different path towards a better, positive human.
It made me really stop and think about how I've been feeling. Its hard living with my parents at 34. I haven't had to do that since I was 18 and being an adult with kids and barely working 2-3 days a week in a retail store is depressing. Knowing full well that it won't help me get out of this situation, can't afford to move out or get out of this hole that I'm in. I'm suffocating in the bills that I got left with that should have been split in half but since its in my name, I'm stuck with it. The kids activities cost an arm and a leg and that part time job I have and the little I get from child support barely covers the bases. The future looks like a million years ahead at this rate. It's like the never ending tunnel and I don't see the end. I feel like a hopeless failure knowing that my parents help to give us a roof on our head and help with the kids and buy our household necessities. It is really hard to know that I need that help but don't want that and don't want to burden them.
Hearing my friend tell me his story made me realize he's right and I need to change the way I think. Let go of my pride because that's what family is for in times of hardship and I'd do the same for my kids if they needed me. They aren't enabling me to continue some bad lifestyle or laziness. They are supporting me when I need it most. So I can figure out my future. I just hope it doesn't take years to get to where I should be going. In the end, I should be grateful for this time I have and give the kids the best experiences with me as I can while I can. Its so hard to let go of the pride and independence because it's been majority of my life. Not having to answer to anyone about my parenting or reasoning to why I do things the way I do. I feel like a teenager again. But aside from that, the positives for my kids being here is more than worth my pride I suppose =). I hope I can learn to let go of it and try to enjoy the time, stop stressing so much about where I need to be or how I will survive as much as I do now. Hahaha.
To be a kid again and carefree. Enjoying life!
On a side note, I finally got health insurance but can't find a doctor. The podiatrist said he thinks I have plantar and achilies tendonitis and sent me to a physical therapist. At the evaluation, the pt says he thinks its slightly that but can't be sure. But that my insurance probably won't cover me to see him because I'm high functioning. Ughhh that sucks. So now I am back to square one. My chrisprator can't order my MRI and X-ray cause he doesn't take my insurance. But I can't find a doctor and the one I did see wouldn't order it for me since she doesn't know my history. Its so frustrating. So I'm going to try what the pt said and stay off intensity workouts for at least a month. It sucks. I don't know how to do that but he said it would get worse and last a long long time if I don't take care of it now. My ongoing battle with my body is killing me. And my body tells me so after every workout how painfully sore it can be.
This was this mornings workout before our meeting. High intensity. Yes. Hahaha.
Stop and enjoy the sunsets. I need to slooooowwwwww down sometimes
Z turned 8 last week and I can't believe how much time has flown. He's no longer this little boy who needs me for everything. Before I know it he'll be leaving for college. Bittersweet.
He was stoked that uncle zen and masa and aunty Kumi sent his favorite monorail present!!!