What I am Doing With Myself???
Have you ever been in this place where you are wondering WHAT AM I DOING WITH MYSELF? I feel like I go through these moments every so often and as I get older I feel like it becomes more urgent because I don't want to be this wandering lost soul when I'm 60 or 70 LOL. I used to think I'd never get old or that 50 was so far down the road it was unthinkable. Now that I'm 43 it feels like it's just so much closer and coming that much quicker and yet I am still in the same wandering state I've been in since I was a teen. I know that my path is where it is supposed to be. If I had done things differently, life wouldn't be the way it is. I wouldn't have my awesome kids if I had known what I wanted to do as a career when I was 20 or if I had gone to school and continued when I wanted to be a computer scientist and work for the NSA HAHAHA. Life would have been completely different so I wouldn't change any of it. I just would like to know that I have some solid ground to live on when I'm old and wanting to retire. As the years seems to move at such a rapid pace these days, all I can think about is, Will I have to work this hard and live holding my head out of water forever? Will I be taking on second jobs still at the age of 65? That thought scares the heck out of me and it's really making me think about what I should be doing now and what I can be doing now to not be at that space in 20+ years. Am I the only one who thinks and feels this way? Seeing so many people settled in to their work life and being comfortable where they are, it makes me feel like I am decades behind ever reaching that place but no idea where to start. I thought about school again but I don't even know what I want to do or study to have a future career. I love exercising but I am not sure that teaching it is something in the cards. I love it for my escape and giving me the happy space feeling but teaching it isn't super appealing to me becauseI like it for my enjoyment. But it seems to be the one place I could obsess over and spend time on because I love it so much but that isn't exactly how I see myself in the future so then what else do I like that I want to pursue?? I know this is the time when life challenges you and makes you push and find something to continue growing so I need to look at it in that prospective. But in this moment, I feel like I should be allowed to feel lost and confused and a little sad that I have no idea what I'm doing at this age...I'm not perfect and I need to go through these thoughts to come through to the next step..I just dislike that feeling. The lost feeling and hope I can power through it and find my clarity soon. Just in case anyone else is reading this and feeling lost, you are not alone. If you want to share your own stories, call me! Email or text me. I'd love to know I'm not alone =) In the meantime, all I can say is I am super lucky that I have these 2 boys who have truly grown to be such good human beings. They may be sassy sometimes but that's normal for this age but they sure do care a lot about me and always want to make sure I am ok especially when I look troubled or stressed. As much as I worry about things, I know that they are going to be such awesome men when they are older and am a super proud mommy =)